He wishes that...

   Never in my academic life did I bring a medal or any award home. Scratch the latter. I did bring home an award like four times? Let me enumerate it all – two most punctual award, good in writing composition award( I really don’t know if it’s true coz basically it’s not) and a loyalty award in elem school. In my perspective, those are not impressive. Most punctual?  Loyalty award? Who are they kidding? Maybe they can kid the kid me but looking at it now.. it’s kind of a laughing stock you know. And it’s quite a shame actually. But years passed and I learned to accept my capacity. I was like “the average kind”. So what right? I breathe and live averagely. I use the excuse “Nobody is perfect” every time.

   But something happened last night that made me contemplate about my capabilities. It’s not all about me, I and myself views. Looking at other’s perspective or let me say my dad’s perspective; my system is in need for change. I keep on saying “So what if I don’t have an award.” every graduation.  It’s not really a “so what”. Because deep down my father’s heart, he cares, he hopes. He is the king of wishful thinking. I don’t know what happened but after we ate dinner, he started throwing tantrums to everybody and most especially me. That I should concentrate on my studies and not mind Facebook and other material things. That I should be something near scholar or be a scholar! A scholar for pete’s sake!! How could I do that? Well, he compared me to my cousin who graduated cum laude in college. He compared me to his officemate’s daughters who, according to him, are not intelligent people but are scholars because they are studious and blah blah blah. Stuffs like that you know. And those are not just normal stuffs. Those stuffs are my frustrations remember? I wrote about it last time. -->Updating Myself.  I want to defend myself but I can’t. How could I? I’m a lazy-ass daughter of his. I tried to change and set goals but I keep on breaking them. I can’t defend myself coz its true. I’m no-sucker for books and of course, I had a brain like mine.  But whatever my excuses and frustrations may be, my dad has all the right to scold me and ask for some reimbursement for his hard work on me. He said that it’s not for him and it’s all for me coz I’m the one who can benefit from all of this at the end of the day. True. But a part of me is telling me to read hear his words between the line. He wants me to bring home a big accomplishment. An accomplishment he can be proud of me and show it off to his friends. Who don’t want something like that right? If I have children, I wanted to show them off too. Upon hearing his words or let say his wishful thinking, I felt like crying coz I was hurt. I was washing the dishes that time too. LOL :)) Anyways, back to the topic, I was hurting. Because what he desires is my frustration. I was frustrated of myself because I can’t be a genius or just clever. I’m frustrated that I can’t do math. I’m frustrated that I forget lessons; I am frustrated that I can’t be a daughter that can bring home medals at the end of the year.

    I want to be a genie right now and tell him this: “Your wish is my command”. But how could I? I’m a mere homo erectus. I keep on trying but I kinda fail all the time. But I’m not giving up, it’s just that my efforts cannot be honored. For other people, it’s nothing. It’s not worth it. So other than my efforts, I can’t show my dad anything. It is once again, frustrating. 

   Maybe my mom is the same as my father too. She keeps on telling me that all she ever wanted is for me to pass OT with no left or right turns. But deep down, who knows what she’s really thinking?
How could I make them happy? How could I do my best? Be myself? Nah, I tried being myself but its not working. Try harder? Maybe. Definitely. BUT HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW?

Message to dad: I can’t say don’t worry neither you wish is my command. Because it takes time for my brain to process and to do the things that I’m not good at. But thank you for pushing me. Thanks for being my father and being my atm-account. I know that I’m a pain in the butt. I keep on asking you for something but I keep on being such a disappointment. Dy, I will try to be a best daughter. And I love you, so I will prove it to you that I can be a daughter you can be proud off. Wait for it. :)

Message to mom: Mommy, you’re all caring and lovely dovey. I thank you and daddy for putting me together and making me a someone on this huge planet. I will keep all the things that you said and carve it on my heart. Sorry if I’m not good enough now but I’m trying my best to be good enough for you. Wait for it. :)

I sooo wish they could read this or see my heart now. I’m totally not bluffing. It’s all true. It’s all what’s deep down inside. I want to prove to them that I’m not a loser and I can be a fine person someday. I want to prove to myself that I can prove my parents that I can be a fine and successful person someday. Someday down the road, my dad’s wish is my command. ;)

Aibs

Updating Myself

Every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before. I keep on blaming myself for doing shameful things. I keep on shooting myself with regrets. And every time I did it, it’s killing me. Good thing I survived those shots. The trouble with me is that I tend to let bygones be bygones. Something bad happens; I get involved then moved on. Life is supposed to be handled like that. I handled my life like that but sometimes it slip and makes a u-turn, a u-turn that I can’t simply get away. I act as if I’m okay with everything else but deep down, it’s madly frustrating. It’s frustrating that I’m not confident to be myself. It’s frustrating that I’m carrying a lot of insecurities. It’s frustrating that I’m frustrated!

I broke a lot of new years’ resolution. I broke a lot of promises I made for my self. I’m that kind of a person. I broke a lot of things. I broke trust, I broke relationships. And every time I broke things, those things broke my heart. But then again, after I get involved, I move on. I’m like an anti-virus who can heal and update myself. After deleting the pain, I’m good as new. But we all know that viruses are always there. Waiting to attack and destroy something again. I’m prone to viruses and sometimes I can’t just remove it because I’m not strong enough. …

I may cry, I may smile, I may pout. But at the end of the day I can accept the reason of my fall and forget it. Some may not understand, some may not forget and some may criticize. After all is said and done, I get back up again.

Okay, the real reason why I’m frustrated is because of my midterm grades. I’m frustrated of having a brain that works like .. like a worm. I want to impress my dad and mom. I want them to feel that I’m trying my best here. I want them to know that I keep on trying to be strong and competent. I want to have high scores to show it off to them. But in stead of giving them that, I gave them an ugly grade. I told you, I tried my best. I exhaust myself studying. My close friends’ in school got high grades. I want to have a high grade too! Seeing my scores, it looses my mood. It makes me feel so small, so insecure, and so useless. I tried my best to update myself but in the end, it never failed to disappoint me. I KEEP ON DISAPPOINTING MYSELF! I KEEP ON DISAPPOINTING EVERYBODY! Why?!! 

Why am I like this? I’m no quitter. It’s just so disappointing to continue knowing that I’m just getting myself disappointed again.  It pisses me off but I moved on. I am who I am. How sad. I hate this drama!!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. 

And now I’m fine. But before anything else, I just want to type this one out. I failed Physics. I got a 3.1. What’s my excuse? I hate math. I hate the teacher. I hate listening to her. I hate looking at her. I hate studying the book. I hate solving Physics’ problems. I simply hate everything about Physics. But you know what; this subject broke my heart too. I felt so dull.  So this time, I’m making a goal: I will knock physics down!! I will pass it and swear, I won’t repeat it again!! Moving on.. I almost failed one major subject - Human Anatomy and physiology. I got a 3.0. What luck! Among the 28 students taking that sub, 12 passed and 16 failed. I ranked 12 on the list. Lame. It’s a funny but devastating rank. How could I get a 3.0?! I studied Human anatomy seriously. I put a lot of efforts into it and then I got a 3?! Thinking about all the stuffs I memorized go wasting, I felt pathetic. I AM MAD! 

Having low grades is degrading isn’t it? I am devastated, furious, and mad! I don’t wan to feel pathetic and pathetic. I don’t want to have a bird-brain!!! I’m not dull but it feels like I’m one. Oh crap! I’m angry again.  

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. 

 
It’s normal right? It’s just a midterm grade right? I will accept this. Why won’t I? I will survive. I will!!!!!! 

I’m not a screw-up. I can get back up. I may break another promise but I will keep on motivating myself. I won’t give up. All my frustrations won’t go away that easily of course. It will just go hiding in the dark again, waiting for its next time to destroy me. But I’m gonna fight them, let the wounds heal and update myself like an anti-virus software. This is life right? It’s a battle. I may lose now but who knows? In the future I may lose again. Hahaha. Kidding. Maybe in the future I can have my chance coz they said, “Life is fair.” No worries. 

If there are a thousand reason reasons to frown there's always one reason that can defy it.

I’m going to knock all that obstacles in my way.

This I’m promising telling you. 

Aibs