Every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before. I keep on blaming myself for doing shameful things. I keep on shooting myself with regrets. And every time I did it, it’s killing me. Good thing I survived those shots. The trouble with me is that I tend to let bygones be bygones. Something bad happens; I get involved then moved on. Life is supposed to be handled like that. I handled my life like that but sometimes it slip and makes a u-turn, a u-turn that I can’t simply get away. I act as if I’m okay with everything else but deep down, it’s madly frustrating. It’s frustrating that I’m not confident to be myself. It’s frustrating that I’m carrying a lot of insecurities. It’s frustrating that I’m frustrated!
I broke a lot of new years’ resolution. I broke a lot of promises I made for my self. I’m that kind of a person. I broke a lot of things. I broke trust, I broke relationships. And every time I broke things, those things broke my heart. But then again, after I get involved, I move on. I’m like an anti-virus who can heal and update myself. After deleting the pain, I’m good as new. But we all know that viruses are always there. Waiting to attack and destroy something again. I’m prone to viruses and sometimes I can’t just remove it because I’m not strong enough. …
I may cry, I may smile, I may pout. But at the end of the day I can accept the reason of my fall and forget it. Some may not understand, some may not forget and some may criticize. After all is said and done, I get back up again.
Okay, the real reason why I’m frustrated is because of my midterm grades. I’m frustrated of having a brain that works like .. like a worm. I want to impress my dad and mom. I want them to feel that I’m trying my best here. I want them to know that I keep on trying to be strong and competent. I want to have high scores to show it off to them. But in stead of giving them that, I gave them an ugly grade. I told you, I tried my best. I exhaust myself studying. My close friends’ in school got high grades. I want to have a high grade too! Seeing my scores, it looses my mood. It makes me feel so small, so insecure, and so useless. I tried my best to update myself but in the end, it never failed to disappoint me. I KEEP ON DISAPPOINTING MYSELF! I KEEP ON DISAPPOINTING EVERYBODY! Why?!!
Why am I like this? I’m no quitter. It’s just so disappointing to continue knowing that I’m just getting myself disappointed again. It pisses me off but I moved on. I am who I am. How sad. I hate this drama!!
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
And now I’m fine. But before anything else, I just want to type this one out. I failed Physics. I got a 3.1. What’s my excuse? I hate math. I hate the teacher. I hate listening to her. I hate looking at her. I hate studying the book. I hate solving Physics’ problems. I simply hate everything about Physics. But you know what; this subject broke my heart too. I felt so dull. So this time, I’m making a goal: I will knock physics down!! I will pass it and swear, I won’t repeat it again!! Moving on.. I almost failed one major subject - Human Anatomy and physiology. I got a 3.0. What luck! Among the 28 students taking that sub, 12 passed and 16 failed. I ranked 12 on the list. Lame. It’s a funny but devastating rank. How could I get a 3.0?! I studied Human anatomy seriously. I put a lot of efforts into it and then I got a 3?! Thinking about all the stuffs I memorized go wasting, I felt pathetic. I AM MAD!
Having low grades is degrading isn’t it? I am devastated, furious, and mad! I don’t wan to feel pathetic and pathetic. I don’t want to have a bird-brain!!! I’m not dull but it feels like I’m one. Oh crap! I’m angry again.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
It’s normal right? It’s just a midterm grade right? I will accept this. Why won’t I? I will survive. I will!!!!!!
I’m not a screw-up. I can get back up. I may break another promise but I will keep on motivating myself. I won’t give up. All my frustrations won’t go away that easily of course. It will just go hiding in the dark again, waiting for its next time to destroy me. But I’m gonna fight them, let the wounds heal and update myself like an anti-virus software. This is life right? It’s a battle. I may lose now but who knows? In the future I may lose again. Hahaha. Kidding. Maybe in the future I can have my chance coz they said, “Life is fair.” No worries.
 |
| If there are a thousand reason reasons to frown there's always one reason that can defy it. |
I’m going to knock all that obstacles in my way.
This I’m promising telling you.
Aibs
